Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
