Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
