She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
don't judge my taste in strippers
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I am never drinking with the goths again.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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