I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
