drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
