For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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