Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
