If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
