Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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