yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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