Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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