I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
