Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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