There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
