$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
