and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
