i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
