just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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