Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
