Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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