I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
