I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
