I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
