Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
