I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
