Quick, to the slutcave!
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
