She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
