The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
there was a trapeze. enough said
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
