I am midnight drunk by noon
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
