My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
