As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
