just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
