Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
