Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Come share oat with me in your robe
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
