Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
