I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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