Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
