What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
