singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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