i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
