My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
