I just cut my nipple shaving
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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