i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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