so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
