Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
