seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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