someone threw a dead crab at me
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
