I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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