god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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