I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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